School & Work

I just need a moment to vent. 


With a masters degree almost completed, I thought I would feel so much better about myself, my accomplishments, and what I am capable of doing. Rather than feeling positive emotions, I feel stress, anger and resentment toward my school.. program.. and field as a whole.. 


Every morning my alarm goes off I am praying that somehow its Saturday and my alarm went off by accident. I have never felt so worn down and beat up; I have no energy and no motivation to finish this degree. I am taking on the negative attitudes and jaded ideals of those around me and becoming cynical with each day. I guess my expectations were so different; the stress has been an obvious component to this job but not the lack of joy in what you do. I have yet to find a professional here that has a smile on their face because of their job. It is simply a job. I understand the climate has a lot to do with the attitudes around me but that shouldn't change the goal: to help kids succeed. To some degree I guess I live in a fairy tale; a fairy tale that allows me to think my purpose is still relevant and that I can help mold children's lives in a positive way.


After much thought and consideration, I wondered why all this flood of emotions was happening and although I would like to "blame" pregnancy, I can't. I can't blame the little miracle inside of me for any of the negativity I feel; he's actually probably my saving grace. He is literally the only reason for me to wake up every morning and push through my day. I wait for the May anxiously so that I can hold him, love him, and just spend time with him. If I had lingering credits or hours to complete, none of this would be possible. 


So.. as I dread each day and look at the next three months with angst, I am humbled by the future and what God has in store for my son and I. 


62 days and counting... God grant me the patience and endurance to get through this...