In the home stretch...

I haven't written in a while; partially to give myself a break from the constant thought of pregnancy. It seems all I think about, talk about, and care about is the little life inside of me. He amazes me everyday and I can't help but thank God each and very second of each and every day for blessing me with this gift. 


I've reached the third trimester and have about 2 months to go. The reality of a baby is tough for my brain to comprehend and all I want to do is continue to prepare for him. Perfection is what I am seeking and it is tough to feel like I won't be able to achieve that for my little man. Until I know any better, I suppose all I can do is try my best and hope that somehow it all comes together for him. My only sanity is the purchases I make to prepare my precious boy for the world he will be living in. 


I still have yet to answer this question... How do you love someone so much that you have never met? 

Boys will be boys

After having some pretty intense days of stress and outright panic, I was happy to be able to go see my boy in a sonogram and see him forming into a beautiful baby. As Diran and I excitedly watch the screen to get a sneak peek at Noah's face, we find that he is not cooperating. He chose to keep both his arms right in front of his face and would not budge! After 15 minutes and a lot of effort on the part of the technician, she decided to give me some juice to see if that would get him to move around a little bit and unveil his face.


After drinking a juice box of apple juice, jumping around the room and twisting and turning, baby Noah chose to keep his face hidden by bring down the umbilical cord and snuggling face first in the placenta. Watching my little man sleep doesn't seem nearly as exciting as seeing his beautiful face but for some reason that was enough. It is enough for me to know that he is doing ok and has made a nice little nest for himself inside my belly. As his little body is working hard to make sure each intricate piece is properly placed and working, I am so grateful to get a peek.


Instead of obsessing when I haven't noticed kicking, or wondering how he is doing, I need to learn to trust the process. I need to trust my body and most of all I need to have faith in God. He designed my body to be able to create life and sustain it, I can't let me "human-ness" get in the way. Although I can't always make the feelings or worries subside, and I count down to each appointment or glimpse in to the womb, I can definitely begin to find other ways to ease my worries and relax my mind because ultimately that is probably not helping him in any way.

School & Work

I just need a moment to vent. 


With a masters degree almost completed, I thought I would feel so much better about myself, my accomplishments, and what I am capable of doing. Rather than feeling positive emotions, I feel stress, anger and resentment toward my school.. program.. and field as a whole.. 


Every morning my alarm goes off I am praying that somehow its Saturday and my alarm went off by accident. I have never felt so worn down and beat up; I have no energy and no motivation to finish this degree. I am taking on the negative attitudes and jaded ideals of those around me and becoming cynical with each day. I guess my expectations were so different; the stress has been an obvious component to this job but not the lack of joy in what you do. I have yet to find a professional here that has a smile on their face because of their job. It is simply a job. I understand the climate has a lot to do with the attitudes around me but that shouldn't change the goal: to help kids succeed. To some degree I guess I live in a fairy tale; a fairy tale that allows me to think my purpose is still relevant and that I can help mold children's lives in a positive way.


After much thought and consideration, I wondered why all this flood of emotions was happening and although I would like to "blame" pregnancy, I can't. I can't blame the little miracle inside of me for any of the negativity I feel; he's actually probably my saving grace. He is literally the only reason for me to wake up every morning and push through my day. I wait for the May anxiously so that I can hold him, love him, and just spend time with him. If I had lingering credits or hours to complete, none of this would be possible. 


So.. as I dread each day and look at the next three months with angst, I am humbled by the future and what God has in store for my son and I. 


62 days and counting... God grant me the patience and endurance to get through this...

Buddha

22 weeks this week, and at this point there is no hiding my beautiful baby boy from the world. As we anticipate his arrival, the baby bump draws a lot of attention and squeals. It seems the protruding shape is a natural magnet for hands and "ooohhhsss and aaahhhhhhhsss". 


This has become even more apparent since I have shifted gears to elementary school this week. With a campus full of people who enjoy kids, and are nurturing by nature, I have found the comfort and joys of women that praise the pregnancy process. Initially thinking about people constantly rubbing my belly like I am Buddha honestly freaked me out. I didn't know how I would feel or how much of my personal space I would feel is violated. As things move along and the belly continues to grow, I have actually found that the natural love of pregnancy is simply amazing. People naturally gravitate towards my belly because this little miracle is growing inside of me, and to some extent, everyone wants to share in that. Especially for women, pregnant women remind them of what they have already experienced or what they would someday like to experience. If nothing else, it reminds women of the insane capabilities their bodies have. 


I think the most gratifying belly touch (aside from my husband of course!), is that of a caring man. Their grin and praise of the belly is so touching because they truly have no idea how the female body could ever produce a human being. It is a rare moment that a male would ever gravitate towards the belly but when that rare moment comes, it shows a lot to me about the character of the man in front of me.


To feel like Buddha is a gift that I would have never imagined wishing for.


“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” - Buddha

A New Appreciation...

Telling my family and friends I was pregnant had to be one of the most gratifying, exciting, and nerve wrecking things EVER. Following Dr.'s orders we had to wait 2 weeks before letting anyone know that I was pregnant and that 2 weeks felt like 2 YEARS! Since then, whether people got onesies, text messages or heard through the grapevine; Diran and I have been overwhelmed with support, excitement, and most importantly love.

I have never felt so connected to those around me and built such an appreciation for those I have in my life. With a baby boy on the way, I am so overjoyed that we have so many people around us that are going to smother him with love. Our parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends have made all the difference in the world making this process more exciting than it already is. I love that Noah will be surrounded by the most amazing people in the world. 

I can only hope that I can be half the parents my parents have been; and can provide everything to him... and then some! If nothing else, I know that I will absolutely provide him with more love and support than he will know what to do with.

Kicks, Punches, and the Joys of a Growing Baby

I never thought I would enjoy and live for the moment that someone would give me a kick or a punch. When I feel that little thud or strong little kick, my heart stops, my mind draws a blank and for moments at a time I can only manage to daydream about my little man. It still amazes me that somehow a human being is growing inside of me. As I've said and preached on many occasions, this is truly a miracle that can only be from the heavens. I cannot imagine a greater gift or attribute this to simply human anatomy. This cycle is much too perfected and amazing that a divine hand must be involved.

As each passing day brings new joys, thoughts, and ideas, I can only think of how amazing this journey is to becoming a mommy. Already, the panics when we go to a sonogram and making sure he is right on target to all the questions racing through my mind of what his handsome face will look like. I am getting so anxious to meet him and know what it might be like to know him as more than a fuzzy black and white picture.

The purpose of this...

In September 2010, my entire life changed with a stick that showed two pink lines; two pink lines that I will never forget. It had to be the most amazing and disorienting experience of all my life. I had no idea what to think or where to go from there (other than the Dr. of course!). So, as I anxiously wait for my little man's arrival, I decided that I should start emptying the clutter in my head and start writing it down to express all of the things going on inside of me...

Since then, I have been on this journey we call pregnancy. My ever growing belly reminds me each and every day of the beautiful miracle growing inside of me and I have managed to love someone I have never met. The love I have for my son is more intense than I could have ever imagined and with that intensity comes the momma bear in me. As a woman, I think I naturally am more sensitive and emotionally aware of myself than the average male. There are so many aspects of being a woman that I never understood... until now.

First and foremost, my body is AMAZING. I may not be a twig, I may be short and stubby, I may be a little too hair, I may have cellulite and some flab in places that aren't so "cute" but my body is carrying the body of another being that grew from tiny cells to a baby with a profile that puts my baby pictures to shame. There are so many complex "things" that shape and mold us in to who we are, and after getting pregnant I realized that all of these crazy hormones, painful periods, and out of control emotions are all for a purpose.

Everyday is a new day, and being pregnant makes you realize just how different each day truly is. As I add an inch, or find my swollen feet annoying to get in to shoes; I thank God for the gift he has given me, my child. Up until this point, I thought I accomplished "a lot for a 24-year-old"; but no degree, professional success, or awesome closet could ever come close to this...

I Love You Noah.
"A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone."